Just wanted to swing by and share just how good God is. I can’t help but write when God shows up in my life in a big way – and that’s exactly what He did today.
So I’ve shared a little bit about how I’ve been struggling with anxiety for quite a while now. A lot of this has had to do with my health. It all started out about two years ago when my body just started doing some funny things that it never had before. I had a dry cough that never seemed to go away and an ache in my left side after sleeping on it all night. I’ve never had issues like these before this so it really freaked me out and made me think there was something seriously wrong with me (read: cancer).
Cancer has been my biggest fear for the past two years. It’s pretty bizarre too because I don’t know anyone close to me who had cancer nor do any of my family members have it. The fear kind of came out of left field but it was a very real fear of mine. It came and went but when it would really flare up I would have some serious anxiety attacks.
Although I was pretty scared I still never really went to the doctor too much because I reasoned with myself saying that it was all in my head and that I don’t have anything to be afraid of (although I still never stopped being afraid). This caused me to be stuck in this place where I was terrified but had no way to move past the fear either because I wasn’t seeking truth from a doctor.
I did go to a lung doctor at one point and got a CT done of my chest but the doctor said I was okay. This oddly didn’t help my fears much at all because I still had the cough but there wasn’t an explanation – and I really just believed that I had cancer sometimes so it was almost as if I wasn’t going to believe that that wasn’t true.
I eventually figured out that when I get anxious that’s when the cough happens so I have since stopped being worried about it because it’s obvious to me where it’s coming from now and I don’t have to be worried it’s something serious.
Fast forward about a year and you’ll be right around the time when I got married (about 5 months ago). I started having more minor health issues, like UTI’s, colds and indigestion. Meanwhile I still had that darn aching feeling in my side. When things like that flare up together it’s a sure thing that my anxiety will flare up with it. I went to the doctor, got each issue taken care of on their own but still didn’t seem to have any relief from the anxiety this time. I knew deep down that I wasn’t trusting that God was good and I didn’t think He cared if I got cancer to be honest. I’m not sure where I got this idea but I didn’t know how to shake it.
Now jump to about a month ago when I seriously got tired of having health anxiety. I mean it had been over two years at this point and it got to be exhausting. I decided I needed to do whatever it took to get this gone, whether that be going to the doctor, or even a counselor if need be. I just wanted to feel normal again.
I went to the regular doctor for a “yearly checkup” because I knew if the tests came back normal I would at least be able to tell myself that when I was feeling anxious. Even though at this point I really didn’t feel like the aching feeling was really serious I knew I had to bring it into the light and tell my doctor about it so I could finally have peace about it. So that’s what I did and it was SCARY. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound, which did not help with my anxiety AT ALL. It made it so much worse because it told me I had a reason to worry. I didn’t trust that God wanted me healed but I knew that He was the only one who could heal so I cried out to him multiple times a day and read about 60+ psalms over the few days I had to wait for the results.
Today was the day that I found out that the ultrasound was CLEAR. I finally have nothing to worry about. It helped me confirm that certain foods just bother my stomach and I need to work on not eating so much of them. But most importantly of all it showed me that my God is a God that heals and a God that CARES. I can’t even begin to tell you how overwhelmed I was when I head that I do not have to worry about it anymore.
And that is how God has healed me of my health anxiety. It was so difficult at times but God always carried me through it. I am so so thankful that there is nothing seriously wrong with me and I finally believe that God really does want GOOD things for me.