So a little background about myself, in case you didn’t already know I graduated from college last May with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Although this wasn’t my plan when I started school when I was fresh out of high school. (How do any 18 year olds know what they want to do with their life – someone please tell me?) Anyways, when I was 18 I thought I wanted to be a teacher because that’s what always felt right. I had always loved children, loved being around them, and taking care of them. So the logical thing in my 18 year old mind was to become a teacher. Because what else was there really?
And this was my plan 3 years in even. I started taking teaching classes my third year of college I believe and it was then that it hit me – I didn’t want to be a teacher. I’m terrified of public speaking (even with those precious Kindergartners). I just knew this wasn’t what I was meant to do. I didn’t feel that I had the skills to do it well so I dropped the major. And in New Jersey when you’re planning to be a teacher you have to double major because apparently teaching isn’t really a degree anyway.. it’s a certificate. So my second major was Psychology, honestly just because those were the only classes I enjoyed taking in college so it seemed fitting.
So here I am with a Psychology degree and still don’t know what I want to do with it, but that honestly wasn’t the point of this post. I wanted to share with you how learning about Psychology has actually hindered my walk with Jesus. When you take Psychology classes the point is to teach you why people do the things they do and learn how to help them. A lot of modern day helping is to medicate people so that they don’t have side effects of past traumas, which I definitely do think is necessary sometimes but not to the extent that our country does it.
So I’ve learned a lot about myself through this classes, which is awesome and I’m so glad but I’ve learned recently that I have come to think it gives me an excuse for having the flaws that I do. And while yes it does kind of, it doesn’t give me an excuse to stay there. I have the hardest time confessing something after I learned WHY I’ve been doing it. For example, my mom raised my brother and I with a very critical spirit and has in turn passed that onto me. It is just who I am because it’s what I learned. And honestly do you know how HARD it is to change something that has been drilled into you for decades?? Very hard let me tell you, I’ve tried.
So sometimes it’s much easier for me to stay hidden behind the ITS NOT MY FAULT excuse and go about my life just the way I am. Jesus loves me this way anyways right? Well yes, of course but what I’m learning is that I’m missing out on so so much by refusing to repent of these really hard things.
I’m missing out on the intimacy of knowing Jesus and knowing how much He loves me and how much He has really forgiven me for. I’m missing out on intimacy with my sweet fiance who loves me enough to deal with my stubborn self. I’m realizing, though it’s hard, repenting of these sins is the only real answer to true growth and happiness with both Jesus and those closest to me. I don’t want to hide behind my excuses that I’ve learned through Psychology. I want to grow more and more into the likeness of Jesus, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.