uncertainty - Ashley Zin

Can I just take this time to vent right now? Will you be a friend to listen to what I have going on in my life right now? There are so many thoughts circling around in my head and I don’t know what to do with them all so here I am. I have three more days left of work and I seriously DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL. Not having a job has been something that I have thought might happen to me for the past three years (see here if you have no idea what I’m talking about). It finally is a reality now and I really thought I had prepared myself for it. I never really felt afraid of not having a job – I have always known that God would provide for me, but I guess I never saw it being like this.

If I’m being completely honest, I never thought that God would allow me to end my current job without me already having another job lined up for right afterwards. When everyone was asking if I was looking for a job two or three months ago I always responded with “Nah not yet. It’s too far away”. I always thought that once I started looking it would happen sooner rather than later because, well God was on my side. I knew He would open the doors to get me in where it was best for me.

I mean that’s what happened with the job I had now. I wasn’t even looking for a job and someone insisted on me applying for this one and it ended up turning into more than just a job but a way to support myself – and even more than that. It gave me more than enough money to live well and also gave confidence too. This job was something I never knew I always wanted. It turned into something that I could see results in when I put in the effort to work hard. I got recognition for a good well done here in a way that I never have had before.

I’m hoping to find another job that is similar to this one where I can set goals and see the results but I’m questioning how to know if that’s where God wants me? It’s hard not knowing which direction to go in. It’s hard to wait on God to open doors for you when you don’t even know which direction to start walking in. I’m learning that sometimes this involves trial and error and that in and of itself is hard. No one likes to fail but all I can do is keep moving forward and taking the steps that I think are right and keep believing that God will direct my steps in his timing, not my own.

There are SO many changes happening this month I can’t even wrap my mind around them all. Next Monday is my last day here at Hudson City. My last day after 5 1/2 years of working here. It’s such a weird feeling and I honestly don’t even know how to feel. I’m excited for the next chapter of my life but also anxious and sad to leave behind what I know now. I went for a job interview yesterday and I think it went well but it’s only a temporary job, which is really disappointing. I really wanted to FINALLY after all of this going on with the merger have a job that was PERMANENT. But honestly I am okay with it at the same time (that is if I get it, I may be jumping ahead of myself). I know that God has taken care of me this far and if this is His plan then I can trust it too. I can let go of my need to have control and certainty and trust that He knows what’s best. Hopefully it’ll turn into a permanent position (again that is if I get it) and if not I know that He will take care of me another way.

ALSO the best part of this post – TOMMY FINALLY GETS TO WORK WITH HIS DAD IN TWO WEEKS. We’ve been waiting and praying for this for what feels like forever. We both have had out doubts over the past year whether this was what God was doing and if He was going to continue opening the doors here and IT FINALLY HAPPENED and we couldn’t be more excited. I’m so happy for Tommy and all the success he’s going to have because of this job. I know he’s going to do so well and learn so much and I’m just so thankful that I’m the one who gets to be by his side through it all. Again I’m a little nervous about the changes, just because I’m someone who thrives on routine and get a little anxious when it changes (even when it’s a great change like this). But I am far more excited for Tommy than I am nervous. This job is going to be so good for him.

If you’ve missed my past posts about what God has been doing through this you can check that out here, here, and here. I talk about all the changes that Tommy and I have been through regarding this job and waiting on God through it all. I also talk about how God has opened doors for us even when we felt like they were slammed shut for good.

When I was thinking about all that God is doing and is about to do this month regarding both mine and Tommy’s jobs I can’t help but worship Him. It’s crazy to me that we’re both stopping our current job now this month, together and Tommy’s finally starting what He has wanted to do for so long. When I was thinking all this over I couldn’t help but sing about how overwhelmed I am by God’s love.

Here’s to new changes and the unknown. I’m ready for you. (I think).

Life is hard

I am overwhelmed by You (part 4)